I laugh a lot. I mean, a lot a lot. I think a reasonable chunk of my last relationship was due to me laughing at my guy’s jokes, even if they were awful. (They were mostly okay. Love you, Ben.) When I find something extremely funny, I feel…terrible. Why isn’t anyone finding this as funny as I do? Am I a freak? Are they the wrong ones? Does it matter? (no)
I also feel terrible telling someone they made me laugh until I wanted to collapse, which should be a good thing for all involved, right? But this time, I think I figured out why. It’s that same, childish feeling of telling someone you like them. It’s that same vulnerability. Simultaneously, I also feel it’s important to let someone know they make me laugh, since that quality is very important to me, and I’m grateful for it.
Or maybe it’s just another case of me feeling way too much. Okay, yeah, that’s got it, we’re good /cut
Just talked to a lady at the communal lounge place in my work building, where many people have lunch. I’ve seen her once before; she was very friendly, in that she actually said “hi” to me when I showed up. Today she introduced herself and shook my hand. I thought it might be an opportunity to make a new friend. Here’s someone extroverted enough to go out of her comfort zone and talk to a (welcoming) stranger unbidden, something I’ve sometimes longed to do.
Then came the God spiel.
I think a tiny part of me died just then. She had zero interest in me as a person. Instead of potentially connecting on a solid level, she just saw me as another notch in God’s “Saved” column. As someone who has a hard time making friends, I feel kinda shitty right now.
in the trenches 4
"These patio set pictures look the same. I just delete the second one right?"
"What are you talking about? Can’t you see the happy family, delighting in a twilight meal, marveling at the fireflies flitting their way through the summer breeze? How could you miss the bright smiles, the frosty, condensating beverages, the sidelong glance the little girl is giving her brother, knowing he came home the night before reeking of alcohol and another scent she couldn’t quite identify? You don’t see the veneer of pleasantry masking the deep gulf between the husband and wife as they brace for yet another season of disappointment and turmoil, just waiting out the time when they can finally snap their respective tethers and live, at long last, LIVE!??"